Saturday, September 10, 2022

The poacher is back

Mom has told me that there is a history of poaching in the family - if she believes her grandmother's stories about "Fanny of the Kuchalm" hiding ancestors of hers who poached in order to help bring food on the table -, but from her choice words today it didn't seem to me as if it is a tradition she would uphold herself or likes to see being upheld by others.
I'm not a poacher. I don't steal and if I hunt, it's Steiff animals - not that Mom appreciates that much - or toys.
There is an ever hungry cat in the area, though, and he won't stop at anything to feed that fat little tummy of his.

Today Mom cut up some cardboard. One of the parcels that hadn't been opened yet contained a large bag of kibbles. Imagine Mom's surprise when this is what she found.


She first saw that long cut and was actually ready to blame herself when she a. remembered that she hadn't even cut the parcel open, but tore the tape off and b. noticed the distinctive little claw marks all over.
The parcel had two holes at the sides, so you could grab it better ... or get in there with a long furry leg and try your best to open up what's inside and maybe get some of that to the outside.
Well, that did work, but unfortunately it was not food, but a few bits of the printed invoice. Mom had wondered where those bits of paper on the floor had come from, but hadn't investigated.

I tell you, my dear people, this house has turned into a house of crime and only Bast knows where this will be ending.
I want nothing to do with it. I'm not even here and you don't see me.


Mom also wants you to know that we are not affiliated with VetConcept in any way.

Thursday, June 2, 2022

Hunter or thief?

I have lived in the streets. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and decided to never go back after Mom offered me a warm bed, armchairs, rugs, and blankets almost exactly five years ago. Yup, on May 23rd, we ladies celebrated the best thing that has ever happened to Mom (and I don't care if she's trying to tell me about her other gotcha stories).
Der Dekan didn't celebrate. He didn't have time for it, there are always things to do.
That's fine with me, I like my special time with Mom. She tells me how beautiful I am - true - how lucky she was to get a gorgeous girl like me - true - and she even gave me bits of cheese - don't tell anyone, I'm not really supposed to have it, but there were no bad consequences, so don't scold her. Of course she can't resist me. Who can?
Anyway, I know where I want to stay and what I want to do and don't want to do.
I don't steal, I'm sweet, I'm as loyal as I can be, and I don't steal. Oops, did I say that twice? You know where I'm getting at, do you ..... Let me tell you a story.

It was two weeks ago.
Mom was in a whiny mood because her back had gone back out some time before, and although she could already perform the important tasks around the house again - food and water for us and our litterboxes - she still walked like an 80 year old and moaned so much that it was kind of hard to nap in peace.
Suddenly I heard her laugh out, though.
Apparently, she had looked for something in her underwear drawer and found a black undershirt that she had only worn once or twice in years, so she decided that it was time to get rid of it. She put it down next to her, but when she was done and turned around, the shirt had gone.
As it's rather a rare event for shirts to go walking on their own, she immediately knew her main suspect. He was rather small, had stripes and had been a hardcore criminal since his early youth.
When she went looking for the culprit, this is what she saw ...



A feeble attempt at hiding the goods in the usual place, his "play rug".



As she followed him through the flat, still laughing, the criminal still tried to escape with the loot. Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth between the hallway and the rug - no doubt hoping for the door to freedom to open which didn't happen.

Slippery PVC is every thieving kitty's enemy, especially if both his front feet are on a shirt that makes it even worse. I really wish there were a video of this because I have to admit it made me laugh, too.
It looked to me as if this escape had not been planned very well.


In the end, the shirt ended up on the play rug from where it disappeared shortly after. Believe it or not, but it hasn't been found yet ......

Now you tell me. Is der Dekan a mighty hunter as Mom claims or is he just the little thief that I take him for?

Friday, April 29, 2022

A night at the Lonely Cat Saloon

The year was 2022. It had been quiet at the Lonely Cat Saloon, not unusual for a Thursday night. Then he walked in and I knew trouble was ahead. He was a troublemaker and had been ever since he crossed the threshold the first time. Assault, vandalism, poaching, you name it, he had done it and he never felt a shred of remorse. He could be incredibly rude, but also a ladies' man. He could wrap Mom - the owner of this sad, rundown little saloon - around his paws anytime and she was always quick to forgive him.
I don't know what had happened, but he needed a drink ... or two or more.

"Gimme another one, Miss G."


"I think you had enough. How about you pay and have a nap over in the armchair?"
"Come on, Miss G. You can see I have the money right here under my paw. Just one more."



"Sorry, but this bar is closed for you."
I took the empty glass from him just before he passed out.


I may come across tough sometimes, but I'm kindhearted. I could have got Mom to kick him out, but I let him sleep. Tomorrow he would be the same obnoxious tabby cat, no doubt, but I had seen the vulnerable kitten behind it all.


Just another night at the Lonely Cat Saloon ....

Thursday, April 21, 2022

Ride, boldly ride to the end of the rainbow .....

Yeah, I wish I could ride to the end of the rainbow ... without Mom singing along, however ... maybe then I would get a moment peace and quiet here!
Okay, it's not that bad. Der Dekan likes to sleep with Mom, on her pillow, in her arm, even on her chest by his own will, and that gives me time to do my own stuff, like sitting on the newish cat tower, sleeping in the office chair or on the armchair, for example. Or to go for a ride.
You know how little brothers are, though. You have something, they want it. The top of the stairs which usually gets us both thrown out of the room because Mom is afraid we are going to end up on her head, the ball you are playing with, the food you are eating while their own plate is still full, I could keep going like that.

Where I'm drawing the line is Liese. The Steiff sheep (that has no name, poor thing) and Liese are mine. I'm the rider here. Of course Mom keeps trying to tell me that all cats loved riding Liese or sleeping on her, but I don't care about "all cats". I'm putting my paw down here. The brat has to learn that there are limits, even for him!
And this time, I prevailed. That'll teach him, don't you think?

"I wanna ride, too!"


"GO away."


"Pfff, I didn't want to ride after all."


Funny how unimpressed Liese is with all of this. I guess she must have seen a lot in her 50-some years on this planet!

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

Master of the Desk

Mom has tried, she really has, but der Dekan doesn't like to listen much.
She told him about Ponder and how he has been her studio manager for many years, a good one, a reliable one, a ... let's get real, she lied. I knew Ponder and he was great, but he certainly liked to have a bit of fun with Mom's stuff. There was a reason she called him her master thief more than once, and hunting her things was not his only hobby.
One thing she's right about, though. Der Dekan is not a good desk manager. He likes to sleep behind the laptop and push it with all four feet, so more than once Mom had to remove him, so he wouldn't push it off the desk. He likes to steal pencils, paintbrushes, bead tubes, and last night he stole an earring while Mom looked away for a second. Actually, it's kind of funny to see her freaking out yelling how she has "spent hours on this and you are not going destroy it, give this to me". I'm in my office chair - don't believe her if she says it's hers and I should use the one she specifically got for me (she claims her butt is too big for that one) - watching her and thinking how she deserves this for letting the brat move in.

As one of Mom's cameras is on her desk, she loves to take pictures of us here. It's very convenient not having to get up, also we are often making it easy for her by sleeping or looking adorable. We are very good at both.
Additionally, der Dekan is very good at looking silly. Although he already claims the title Master of the Desk, I'm not so sure about it, not only because it has been just one of his many career choices in the last few months. Just look at Ponder's face in the last picture. I do wonder if he would have been able to educate the (not so) little one ... starting by telling him that the hole punch's handle originally isn't meant for leaning on it.
By the way, do you think I should tell him about the time Ponder applied for a job as chiweenie wrangler? Now that sounds like something der Dekan might enjoy!



Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Mad kitten

"Mom?"
"Yes, Gundel?"
"Can we ...."
"Talk? Sure. It's about den Dekan again, isn't it?"
"Of course he is. I admit that I'm kind of getting used to him and I haven't said anything for a long time ..."
"Not in words, no, but sometimes a look is quite enough."

 


"Actually I just wanted to inform you that der Dekan has decided to become a Mad Kitten."
"I would have thought he is already rather mad. Have you seen the box he pulled of my nightstand?"
"Not THAT kind of mad! A Madison Avenue kitten."
"We don't live on Madison Avenue."
"Are you just pretending to be stupid, Mom, or are you? He wants to go into advertising."
"Okay. How does he plan to go about that?"
"I have the photo that he wants to send to Philips. Here, look."

 


"Uhm ....."

P.S. People, I just don't know. My personal opinion is that the name placement is quite memorable *cough cough*, but wouldn't it be better if der Dekan showed a little more of the product in question?
I am talking about the DVD player that is actually beginning to have problems running because "someone keeps planting his big butt on there" (That is a slightly altered quote by Mom, she's usually not as sensitive as I am).
What are your thoughts on this?

Friday, November 19, 2021

Move over, Paul Rudd!

Every, now and then Mom need some girls time. We hang out in one room and lock the new kid out for  a little while, then we can talk about how our day was, if I liked my food and my nap and what she's up to. I can play with my Easter egg blank without being disturbed by an overexcited teenager. And sometimes we have to talk seriously.


"Mom, we have to talk."
"Oh dear. I hate when somebody tells me that. Do you want to break up with me?"
"Don't be silly."
"Sorry. Have a seat and let's talk."


"It's about den Dekan, isn't it? What has he done now? Has he broken something? Has he stolen one of your spots again?"
"It's more serious than that, I'm afraid. I think he has completely lost his mind now."
"Ooookay. From the start, please?"
"Do you remember how you've watched Stephen Colbert's videos with Paul Rudd the other day? The ones about auditioning him for 'Sexiest Man Alive 2021'?"
"Yes, so what? Those were just funny videos."
"Well, der Dekan got into your account."
"So? There was nothing weird about those videos."
"No, but der Dekan is convinced that Rudd was the wrong choice. He thinks he's far sexier."
"Oh ...."
"Right. Oh. You should be more responsible with your viewing choices."
"What's the problem, though? Don't tell me he has written to People magazine to complain."
"No, but he's determined not to let something like that happen again next year. He's planning a campaign and he's starting a portfolio with pictures and skills. You'll want to see these."


"Now that is pretty harmless, don't you think?"
"Only because the photographer cut off the edge on the right hand side which would have shown you his legs up in the air. Now look at this. He's doing the 'sexy slump' for the cover. Yes, he got that idea from your videos."


"And now be prepared for the worst. You NEED to have a word with him. He's not even grown up. What else are we to expect? His own perfume line? 'Male Hubris by Der Dekan'? Fashion? A rockstar career?"


"Wowie! Move over, Paul Rudd. This little guy is too sexy for his fur. Maybe I should write that email to People ..."

I'm despairing here, it's completely hopeless. In the name of Bastet, please send help, my friends. This household has gone completely nuts and I'm the only normal one here! Where will this end??
Stay tuned and be prepared for me turning up on your doorstep on short notice if things get worse!