Friday, April 29, 2022

A night at the Lonely Cat Saloon

The year was 2022. It had been quiet at the Lonely Cat Saloon, not unusual for a Thursday night. Then he walked in and I knew trouble was ahead. He was a troublemaker and had been ever since he crossed the threshold the first time. Assault, vandalism, poaching, you name it, he had done it and he never felt a shred of remorse. He could be incredibly rude, but also a ladies' man. He could wrap Mom - the owner of this sad, rundown little saloon - around his paws anytime and she was always quick to forgive him.
I don't know what had happened, but he needed a drink ... or two or more.

"Gimme another one, Miss G."


"I think you had enough. How about you pay and have a nap over in the armchair?"
"Come on, Miss G. You can see I have the money right here under my paw. Just one more."



"Sorry, but this bar is closed for you."
I took the empty glass from him just before he passed out.


I may come across tough sometimes, but I'm kindhearted. I could have got Mom to kick him out, but I let him sleep. Tomorrow he would be the same obnoxious tabby cat, no doubt, but I had seen the vulnerable kitten behind it all.


Just another night at the Lonely Cat Saloon ....

Thursday, April 21, 2022

Ride, boldly ride to the end of the rainbow .....

Yeah, I wish I could ride to the end of the rainbow ... without Mom singing along, however ... maybe then I would get a moment peace and quiet here!
Okay, it's not that bad. Der Dekan likes to sleep with Mom, on her pillow, in her arm, even on her chest by his own will, and that gives me time to do my own stuff, like sitting on the newish cat tower, sleeping in the office chair or on the armchair, for example. Or to go for a ride.
You know how little brothers are, though. You have something, they want it. The top of the stairs which usually gets us both thrown out of the room because Mom is afraid we are going to end up on her head, the ball you are playing with, the food you are eating while their own plate is still full, I could keep going like that.

Where I'm drawing the line is Liese. The Steiff sheep (that has no name, poor thing) and Liese are mine. I'm the rider here. Of course Mom keeps trying to tell me that all cats loved riding Liese or sleeping on her, but I don't care about "all cats". I'm putting my paw down here. The brat has to learn that there are limits, even for him!
And this time, I prevailed. That'll teach him, don't you think?

"I wanna ride, too!"


"GO away."


"Pfff, I didn't want to ride after all."


Funny how unimpressed Liese is with all of this. I guess she must have seen a lot in her 50-some years on this planet!

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

Master of the Desk

Mom has tried, she really has, but der Dekan doesn't like to listen much.
She told him about Ponder and how he has been her studio manager for many years, a good one, a reliable one, a ... let's get real, she lied. I knew Ponder and he was great, but he certainly liked to have a bit of fun with Mom's stuff. There was a reason she called him her master thief more than once, and hunting her things was not his only hobby.
One thing she's right about, though. Der Dekan is not a good desk manager. He likes to sleep behind the laptop and push it with all four feet, so more than once Mom had to remove him, so he wouldn't push it off the desk. He likes to steal pencils, paintbrushes, bead tubes, and last night he stole an earring while Mom looked away for a second. Actually, it's kind of funny to see her freaking out yelling how she has "spent hours on this and you are not going destroy it, give this to me". I'm in my office chair - don't believe her if she says it's hers and I should use the one she specifically got for me (she claims her butt is too big for that one) - watching her and thinking how she deserves this for letting the brat move in.

As one of Mom's cameras is on her desk, she loves to take pictures of us here. It's very convenient not having to get up, also we are often making it easy for her by sleeping or looking adorable. We are very good at both.
Additionally, der Dekan is very good at looking silly. Although he already claims the title Master of the Desk, I'm not so sure about it, not only because it has been just one of his many career choices in the last few months. Just look at Ponder's face in the last picture. I do wonder if he would have been able to educate the (not so) little one ... starting by telling him that the hole punch's handle originally isn't meant for leaning on it.
By the way, do you think I should tell him about the time Ponder applied for a job as chiweenie wrangler? Now that sounds like something der Dekan might enjoy!



Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Mad kitten

"Mom?"
"Yes, Gundel?"
"Can we ...."
"Talk? Sure. It's about den Dekan again, isn't it?"
"Of course he is. I admit that I'm kind of getting used to him and I haven't said anything for a long time ..."
"Not in words, no, but sometimes a look is quite enough."

 


"Actually I just wanted to inform you that der Dekan has decided to become a Mad Kitten."
"I would have thought he is already rather mad. Have you seen the box he pulled of my nightstand?"
"Not THAT kind of mad! A Madison Avenue kitten."
"We don't live on Madison Avenue."
"Are you just pretending to be stupid, Mom, or are you? He wants to go into advertising."
"Okay. How does he plan to go about that?"
"I have the photo that he wants to send to Philips. Here, look."

 


"Uhm ....."

P.S. People, I just don't know. My personal opinion is that the name placement is quite memorable *cough cough*, but wouldn't it be better if der Dekan showed a little more of the product in question?
I am talking about the DVD player that is actually beginning to have problems running because "someone keeps planting his big butt on there" (That is a slightly altered quote by Mom, she's usually not as sensitive as I am).
What are your thoughts on this?

Friday, November 19, 2021

Move over, Paul Rudd!

Every, now and then Mom need some girls time. We hang out in one room and lock the new kid out for  a little while, then we can talk about how our day was, if I liked my food and my nap and what she's up to. I can play with my Easter egg blank without being disturbed by an overexcited teenager. And sometimes we have to talk seriously.


"Mom, we have to talk."
"Oh dear. I hate when somebody tells me that. Do you want to break up with me?"
"Don't be silly."
"Sorry. Have a seat and let's talk."


"It's about den Dekan, isn't it? What has he done now? Has he broken something? Has he stolen one of your spots again?"
"It's more serious than that, I'm afraid. I think he has completely lost his mind now."
"Ooookay. From the start, please?"
"Do you remember how you've watched Stephen Colbert's videos with Paul Rudd the other day? The ones about auditioning him for 'Sexiest Man Alive 2021'?"
"Yes, so what? Those were just funny videos."
"Well, der Dekan got into your account."
"So? There was nothing weird about those videos."
"No, but der Dekan is convinced that Rudd was the wrong choice. He thinks he's far sexier."
"Oh ...."
"Right. Oh. You should be more responsible with your viewing choices."
"What's the problem, though? Don't tell me he has written to People magazine to complain."
"No, but he's determined not to let something like that happen again next year. He's planning a campaign and he's starting a portfolio with pictures and skills. You'll want to see these."


"Now that is pretty harmless, don't you think?"
"Only because the photographer cut off the edge on the right hand side which would have shown you his legs up in the air. Now look at this. He's doing the 'sexy slump' for the cover. Yes, he got that idea from your videos."


"And now be prepared for the worst. You NEED to have a word with him. He's not even grown up. What else are we to expect? His own perfume line? 'Male Hubris by Der Dekan'? Fashion? A rockstar career?"


"Wowie! Move over, Paul Rudd. This little guy is too sexy for his fur. Maybe I should write that email to People ..."

I'm despairing here, it's completely hopeless. In the name of Bastet, please send help, my friends. This household has gone completely nuts and I'm the only normal one here! Where will this end??
Stay tuned and be prepared for me turning up on your doorstep on short notice if things get worse!

Wednesday, November 10, 2021

The Avengers

"Got thrown out again, did you?"
"It's ridiculous, all I did was knock one of Mom's vintage thingies off the chest next to the printer. She shouldn't keep stuff there if she doesn't want them knocked off."
"Oh, Dekan, you young fool. Have you still not understood that she doesn't want you to knock anything off anywhere at all? No pictures off walls, no thingies off chests, no wire spools off her nightstand. Mind you most of these things have been around way longer than you have even been in this world. Don't worry, though, as long as they don't break completely or disappear, she'll be fine."
"It was rather funny, though, that she tried to pick that octopus up from behind the little cabinet using barbecue tongs."
"Be glad it wasn't broken. A friend made it and Mom loves it very much. Still got you thrown out, too. You are young, you will learn. Come on, sit down, and I'll tell you the story I promised you, about The Avengers."
"Who are ...?"
*stern look*
"The Avengers, Mr. John Steed and Mrs. Emma Peel. It's an old British TV show about spies. Now listen."

"After Mom's sister A. lost Mulder - whom I never had the honor to meet - she said she didn't want another cat. You know how it is, though. In the end they can't do without us for long, it's too quiet and who can live without furs and purrs?
Mom's other sister B., the one that was here just the other day, mentioned that at the vet's, and before long, they called to say that they knew about some kittens who needed a new home.
When Mom and A. went there, there were four little kittens. One of them, the only girl, was called Emma and she looked a lot like Mulder, white with tabby spots, so it was no wonder that she was the first chosen one.
All the others were boys, and finally A. picked one of them and renamed him John as she liked the name Emma and was inspired by The Avengers. Of course John turned into Johnny rather quickly, and honestly, from what I heard he's still not a gentleman like Mr. Steed was in the show.
These are the two as babies, by the way. You can already see that Johnny's fur has a touch of red."


"Are they still babies?"
"Of course not. This was four years ago and they have both grown up, just as you have already grown because you eat three times your own weight every day. Look, this is them two years later."


"And this is them now. Emma has become a beautiful and very elegant lady. Johnny has grown into a very handsome fellow. He likes to get on shelves and cupboards, just like you. Only he jumps up a lot better than you do. "



"Will I be that big one day and become a good jumper?"
"Only Bastet knows that. At the moment, I wouldn't want to bet on you while I would definitely put my money on Johnny or Emma."
"You don't even have any money except the change in the container that I keep knocking over."
"O Dekan, you still have soo much too learn. Next time I'll tell you the story about where I came from, and maybe I'll even let you in on the secret about where Mom hides her money and how to order toys off the internet."

Youngsters, eh? When Mom came back out, she let me into the room, so I could take an undisturbed nap in the computer chair, and from what I heard, der Dekan also had a little nap on her pillow.
There's nothing like a nice story to help you sleep ;-)

Friday, November 5, 2021

Introducing the new kid on the block

Welcome back to my little corner of the Universe which has become even a little smaller because doors have to stay shut a lot here these days. Excuse me while I'm glaring at a 6 1/2 month old kitten when saying that.
I'll have to explain.
In June this year, Mom made a very unfortunate remark to Kosel, one of the upstairs poodles. She told him that she wasn't able to pick an older companion for me at the moment and that he should bring a kitten from the farm near his humans' garden in a village nearby. She claims that she was whispering, but a few days later a box appeared in front of our door and said box contained a kitten.
Awww, he was so cute, he was so small, he was so adorable. Ugh, you know how humans are around kittens.

I won't beat around the bush. Ever since the kitten left quarantine - which he had to spend in the bunny room with a lot of toys and enough food for a grown tiger both as an introduction period and because of the contents of his litter box (no words to describe that, I swear) - he has been wreaking havoc. On Mom (who deserves it for her reckless decision), but also on his surroundings (Mom deserves that as well, she keeps stuffing things into cupboards and drawers and she even started decluttering!) and on myself (which is completely inappropriate).

His name is "der Dekan" which means "the Dean". He is named after one of the wizards of the Unseen University from the Discworld books. I'm not so sure about that name. Attila the Hun would have fitted nicely or maybe Godzilla even if it's just our place he's trying to destroy and not Tokyo. He steals, he fights dirty, he's wild, he knocks stuff over and down, he eats about twice his weight every day, and I doubt that the rugs in this flat will ever lie straight again. And doors get shut a lot because right now we can't be in the room with the staircase both at the same time (he keeps jumping at me up there and Mom does not want us to fall down), but also because der Dekan loves the kitchen counter and isn't allowed in there during preparing of some food and cooking, because he gets so excited about food that he inhales his and then tries to eat mine, because Mom needs some time to do things without him, for example take a shower or work on something, and so on and on and on .....

You will hear more about him eventually. I need to vent somewhere, right?

And you will hear what I will be teaching den Dekan (don't be surprised that the article will be changing, that's just German declination). The youngster is totally clueless. All he knows is the farm and his large number of siblings (nine, they said). Yesterday, when he tried to knock Dude's portrait of the wall, Mom stopped him and told him to honor the ancestors. She told him Dude's story and how he might not even be here now, hadn't it been for Dude. I have no doubt she's going to tell him more stories, but I think I'm better at that.

So in the next post I will pick up where Ponder left off in 2019. I'll tell dem Dekan about the feline master and mistress of my Mom's sister, Johnny and Emma. Ponder said that there were 1000s of pictures, and miracles happen, Mom finally edited and sorted those, actually not just those of the Avengers, but also old pictures of yours truly.
I know that Ponder who had a very big heart for new people and cats would want me to show the pictures and tell the story, so that's what I will be doing very soon.

For now, I'll leave you with a picture of the new kid from about a month ago. I picked it for the look on his face. Remember how Ponder tried to tell Mom that I was dangerous and a thief when I first came here? I wonder what he would say to this brat now ...

See you around soon, I hope!
~ Gundel