Friday, June 28, 2019

SOS! SOS! Mayday! Help! Whatever!

"Is there a way down here, Flossy Blue?"
"Not for me, pal. I have been stuck here forever, just like my brothers. A quick dusting is all I get, but no water for us poor fish."
"Water! I didn't even think about that! In this heat I'll probably die of thirst up here!"

"And does Mom care? No, of course not. SHE has water and food and everything she wants."
"A poor little cat like me, though? And it's disgusting she's leaving you guys up here."
"Mister, you got up there, you'll get down. You always do."
"You could help me, you know. Just because I once want to take a little nap in peace."
"Once. Right. You know I can't help you down. I'm too short, and even I got out the big ladder, I wouldn't trust us to be safe on it together."
"I've seen you on a ladder, you may be right about that."
"I've seen what you weigh, so you would probably play your part in us both dying. And being eaten by Gundel."
"How dare you??"
"Stop the whining and jump on the a/c like you always do. Be glad I didn't move and turn it on yet or you wouldn't have had a nap up there in the first place."
"That's easily 20 feet!"

"Oh geez."
"Don't you oh geez me!"
"It's not 20 feet and you know it. I'm leaving now. You never make such a fuss if I'm not in the room."

I swear the lady is gonna get it when she least expects it. Can you believe she actually didn't help me? Made me jump into the abyss instead??
I only wish I could have taken Flossy Blue and his brothers with me ...

Saturday, March 16, 2019

Master of the screws

That's my new title. I already have so many, not all of them sounding as grand as this one, though. Supervisor, studio manager, most wonderful cat in the whole wide world, dark master, it would take too long to list them all.
When Mom got a visit from her sister yesterday, however, I could tell immediately that once again I had to take over another task.

They were cleaning out a cupboard that was full of stupid stuff. Paint, screws, instruction manuals, screwdrivers, a strange machine and a lot of little bitty things ... and more screws. And screws. A lot of screws. Mom may have some screws loose, but certainly not that many. To defend her, this had not been her cupboard, she was left with it and just couldn't get herself to clean it out really good. She kept saying she was afraid everything would just fall out, and guess what, that's what happened! Well, not everything, but something did fall.
Now her sister said she'd come to help, so it would go a little quicker.

When they were through, they moved the last two containers of screws to the table with them, picking out the odd nail (I remember when Mom desperately looked for nails once, but couldn't find any among all the screws), this and that, but they were so slow.
It was clear they needed me for supervision or they would never get the job done. Of course I also needed attention very urgently, and I don't let a few metal thingies take attention away from me!

So here we go. I told them what to do and how to do it, and that did the trick. Afterwards I took a well deserved nap on my cat tower.
Those humans are so helpless, what would they do without us??

Thursday, February 28, 2019

An unhappy client or I need space

"This is ridiculous."
"Did you say something, Ponder?"
"The walls are not even high enough."
"What is she thinking? I need space."
"Ponder, what is the matter? You muttering over there in the bunny ro.... oh, there you are. Haven't seen that in a while."
"This is ridiculous."
"Yes, you said that already. What is?"
"This tiny house fad."
"Tiny house ... Ponder, have you been watching TV without me again?"
"How much do you want for this? Is it for sale or for rent?"
"Is this some kind of role play? You seem to be mistaking me for Jenn. Jenn's the realtor, not me. This is a box, Ponder, the box that had your litter and food in it."
"Some furniture would be nice, but it doesn't even have a roof. At least it's bigger than the last few you showed me."
"I didn't show you any tiny houses or boxes for that matter. I may have been a little slow in cutting up the last ones, and yes, they were smaller, but that is ..."
"How do you heat this thing?"
"Not at all."
"No heating? What kind of agency are you running, lady?"
"Well, there isn't a roof, so heating doesn't make much sense, does it? What I can do for you, however, is put a cardboard bed inside and put a blanket on as a roof, would that help, Mister Stibbons? Pillows are extra, plumbing is outside. There's a restaurant only a few steps from here, by the way."

"Not a good one, I've heard. Lousy selection."
"Unhappy with the food, the accomodation and what else?"
"You have been taking up a lot of space in bed lately. Not acceptable. And last night you have pushed me off my space on the desk ...."
"Oh. So that is what this is about. I knew it would come back to haunt me. Look, I'm sorry. Sometimes I just need a little room."
"Do you now?"
"Yes, I do. Oh, for God's sake, come on. You can spread your bi...beautiful self all over the desk if you want to."
"Have you learned something from this?"
"I did. Always cut up boxes right away."
"Just joking, just joking! Let Ponder do everything he wants whenever he wants wherever he wants."
"Good. Don't forget it. You are allowed to pet me now."

Honestly, why is it so hard sometimes to train a human??

Sunday, January 27, 2019

The cat that got wet

That's me. The cat that got wet, I mean. Not that I mind water so much, but as a surprise?
Let me tell you the story.
Mom was taking one of her bubble baths. Okay, so her tongue is very inferior when it comes to cleaning herself and let's not even think about her physical flexibility. You won't see her around with one leg in the air grooming it, I can tell you, and a good thing that is, too. So it's showers and bubble baths. She takes a book and then she's gone for the world for a while. I can live with that.

Merlin used to guard her lying next to the tub on a special towel she'd put there for him. Esme loved to check out if Mom had chosen one of the herbal baths that she liked to taste, Esme, not Mom. Very strange if you ask me. Then she would sit there, at the end of the tub, dipping the tip of her tail into the water. She had to wait if Meffi wanted to claim the spot, though (sans dipping). Greebo and Gandalf were satisfied with a quick check and a pet every, now and then. Gundel prefers an empty (not necessarily dry, however) tub to sit in it and, no idea, meditate?

There was a time when I was more interested in the tub than I am now. I used to hunt the odd spider in there and sometimes I'd try to walk around the edge a little or just sit at the end telling Mom stories.
Lately I have shown more interest again, though, especially after Mom told me that it was not a good idea for me to do "the walk". Can you believe she said I was too big and she didn't mean my height by that! She also told me that she loved me, but that I would stop at the tap, anyway, and then get all whiny because it was slippery to climb over it what with the shower hose hanging over there as well and even more difficult to turn around on the narrow edge of the tub against the wall, and me being not as slender as I used to be and she wouldn't try to hold me, and did I remember the time when I jumped on her belly, geez lady, are you done now??
And today she tried to tell me all of that again. Too bad I was already beyond the shampoo corner, and before she even knew, well, let's say I may have lost my balance for a second. And maybe my claws dug into her shoulder a little and only maybe one a little more than the other when I used her shoulder for a springboard as there wasn't anything better at the time.

I have no idea why she yelled like a baby. I was the one who got wet, legs, tail and my underbelly. With soapy foam, too! All because she is a very bad springboard. There's no "spring" in there at all. Instead she's more of a "diveboard" meaning she sank into the water even more, with me on there.
I had to clean myself completely out of schedule, and believe me, while I did, she got quite an earful from me!

You know something, though? Shh, don't tell her.
I regret nothing! :-D

P.S. Except that she didn't take a better picture of me afterwards ....

Friday, January 11, 2019

Where's Emma?

Shame on me. I still haven't told you about Emma and Johnny. I'll make it short for now and show you pictures another time instead. There are thousands of them.
Emma (Peel) and John(ny) Steed are the "new" kids on the block. Not my block, but Mom's sister's block, and "new" isn't that new anymore.
You remember Mulder, my pal? We lost him about 1 1/2 years ago which was very hard, but of course hardest for his Mom. She said she didn't want another cat, but eventually it happened, anyway. So when our vet heard of some kittens to adopt, she let us know and we went there to have a look. There were four of them babies, just old enough to leave their mother. The first one that crossed our way was a little girl called Emma, with a pattern much like Mulder which sealed her fate quickly. All the others were tabbies, two mackerel, a boy and girl, and a boy in the classic tabby pattern. The last one had won the heart of the teenager of the house, so the decision fell on the mackerel boy who was renamed into Johnny. Mom's sister was very happy although she had forgotten how exhausting it can be around kittens, hehe. Of course they grew up much too fast for her liking.

Johnny really isn't a gentleman like the TV character who inspired his name. He's mischievous, adorable and a thief. He'd steal food whenever he gets the chance. I have absolutely no idea why my Mom thinks it's a good idea to call him Ponder Two under a fake cough! She says he reminds her of me when I was a youngster, always up to something and a bit of an adventurer (did she mean my latest attempt to escape again a few days ago?). Hm.

This is not about Johnny, though. This is about sweet Emma. She's a little beauty, a bit shy, doesn't like much to be picked up and she isn't a lap cat. She loves to sleep under her Mom's blanket on the couch.
And she's a natural at hiding. Can you find her? ;-)


Sunday, December 23, 2018

Christmas Massacre

"What's the matter, Mom? You are looking pale."
"Christmas Massacre, it will be in the history books as the Christmas Massacre."
"Saint Valentine's Day Massacre, you mean. Chicago 1929."
"It's Christmas now."
"What are talking about, crazy woman? You don't make any sense at all."
"Gundel. She's out to get me. I will be next."
"You will be next for what? A hug-me-jacket?"
"This morning I found a parrot next to me in bed."
"A parrot."
"A Steiff parrot! Gundel couldn't get into the glass cabinets for a horse's head, so she used a parrot instead! And then all of them were just lying there on the ground."
"What the ... all of them who?"
"The birds of course! And she did it again. She's obviously a gang member. I should have known. Coming from the street in her nice black suit, all charms and sweet behavior and all the time she just had this planned."
"Gundel a gang member. You are out of your mind."
"A mobster, yes."
"Any evidence?"
"Just wait. This isn't it yet. I put the bodies away, but when I came back into the bedroom, oh, it was gruesome. And this time I took a picture."

"Ah. Okay, that does look a bit, erm, disturbing. And she made the bunnies watch. Who are living under very sad conditions, I should mention."
"At least they were safe from the mobster. I'm not."
"I hope you didn't compromise the crime scene. Do you need me for the autopsy? I'd be glad to help, you know."
"Well, I picked them up and put them into a cupboard."
"You are watching crime on TV all the time, and this is what you've learned from it. Pick'em up and put'em into a cupboard? No chalk outlines, no collecting of evidence. How do you even know it was her?"
"In almost fourteen years you have never done anything like this. I heard her this morning, I just didn't know I was listening in to a massacre. I ... I need to have a lie down."

I'll have to have a serious word with Gundel. I'm still the Godfather around here. It's fantastic to have her as muscle, make no mistake, but now that we struck fear in Mom's heart, we have to advance with great care. Very great care indeed ....

Friday, November 30, 2018

I want to break free

I'm not going to sugarcoat the fact that I am not as young as I used to be. Jumping for freedom over a big parcel that Mom is trying to sneak through the door is pretty much a thing of the past. It was fun, though. I jumped into the hallway and Mom started yelling my name and chasing after me up or down the stairs.
The last time I surprised her was a few months ago, but I let her pick me up pretty quickly. Ever since there are Kosel and Nemo, the gentleman and the madman poodle, are living upstairs, I have become more careful. They never seem to walk, they storm if they hear someone in the hallway, and you never know when that door will open.

This does not mean, however, that I can't jump anymore or that my spirit is broken. Just yesterday ... wait a moment, Mom is calling. I wonder what she wants now.

"We need to talk."
"Isn't that what I usually tell you?"
"It IS a miracle you are not complaining much at the moment. It should have made me suspicious in the first place."
"Don't you hee-hee at me, young man."
"Almost tricked both of you. The cat ladies. The self-pronounced keepers of all knowledge about cats."
"Wait, wait, wait. I never said I even remotely understand cats. No one does. You probably don't understand yourself! Back to the topic now. Why did you jump into my sister's tote?"
"Because I could."

Whoo, making a big fuss about such a tiny matter! You want to know what happened?
Mom's sister came over. You can always tell winter and Christmas are near when she gets out her snowman tote. She put it down on the table and they started talking. Humans don't notice much when they are talking, so this was my chance and in I went. Unfortunately I was discovered before my escape was completed. I wonder how they noticed! When I ducked down completely, it was already too late.

 So in the end all I could do was get out in dignity, playing the incident down and pretending I had never tried to get away.
My chance will come.