Sunday, June 26, 2016

The Portal or Dream On, Human

There are days when I'm ready to give up on Mom. She's either extremely naive or stupid or she believes in purple unicorn fairies.
This week she came upstairs with a big parcel and unpacked something that looked like ... heck, I don't even know what that looked like.

"Come here, babe." (Lately she fancies calling us babe or baby bear. Don't ask.)
"Did you finally order my computer?"
"I got you something you will like. Well, I hope you'll like it since you like being combed and brushed."
"What ... is .... that?"
"It's a brush arch."
"You gotta be kidding me."
"I know it looks a little small, so let's try it out. You can brush yourself with this when I'm not home."
"I can barf on your pillow when you're not home."
"Is that supposed to be a threat?"
"Is this thing supposed to be a joke?"
"Come on. At least try it out once."
"Stay away from me with this thing!"
"Ok, look now."
"Don't you dare pick me up!!"
"Just walk through it once. Please?"
"Don't you dare putting my head through this thing!!!"
"We can pretend it's The Portal. The Portal through which you visit your furry friends all over the world. Just once. Come on."
"Leave your fingers off me! I said ... don't you ... stay away ... WHAT THE ....!!!!!!!!! Don't ....!!!!!! I officially hate you."
"Just get up and walk through and it will brush you."

"I'm stuck. I'll have to die here because I'm stuck. I can already feel my will to live disappear."
"You are not stuck. I can tell. Don't be such a cry baby. Why don't you give it a chance?"


"You are not going to die, Ponder! Stop being so silly! You can crawl into the smallest holes and be fine and here ..."

"Phew. Made it back out. Everything still there? Foot, are you still there?"
"Your foot wasn't even in there."

"What do you know? You are dead. I don't even want to look at you, you monster. And stop rolling your eyes. I know you are."
"And I know you are sniffing The Portal because I can see it."
"Stop calling it The Portal. You know nothing about The Portal. I would have to kill you if you did."

"Whoa. That was really close. I'm exhausted. I'll need lots of treats to bring me back to my feet again."

"We are not done yet. I still think you will like that once you get used to it."
" ..................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

P.S. She was being serious. Every, now and then she picks me or Greebo up and shoves us through this thing.
"Ponder, I don't shove you ..."
"Go away, human, and live in fear."

Friday, June 3, 2016

I got balls

You naughty minds you. I mean my knobbly balls.
Mom has been calling me The Nagger lately. She says I'm the most annoying creature on Earth and to stop that special sound that I developed in long, hard hours to make my nagging perfect. She also says that she'd do anything if she only knew what it is I want!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, with lots of exclamation marks.

It's just that often I'm not sure myself what I want. I'm getting bored or maybe I want her to cuddle me or I'm hungry or my litter box isn't immaculate or I want to play or I want her spot in the bed or I want her to stop binge watching DVDs. I want her wire, I want to lie on her shoulder, I want a head massage or a belly rub. I want some of her cheese and sometimes I just want to annoy her because it's my right as the supervising cat here to want things AND change my mind about them from one second to another ....

If all else fails, the balls come out. Mom just ordered two additional packs for me. She wants them all over the place, so she can always throw one no matter where she is.
We play in the hallway, she's on one end, I'm on the other, and she throws until she runs out of balls, then she has to run around and collect them quickly, so I can immediately lose interest in them once she has found them all because that's how cats roll! ;-)

P.S. Mom read that some people say these balls are dangerous because their cats chew them, but we don't do that. I love my balls, but never try to eat them, and - maybe you remember me telling you about that before - sometimes I'm even being nice and fetch!