Friday, June 16, 2017

I'm afraid of no shark

"Hey Ponder."
"Hey."
"What's the matter? Down in the dumps?"
"I'm thinking."
"Thinking about what? Your miserable life again?"
"Well, there is this new kid."
"I knew we would have this talk sooner or later. Gundel was a stray and needed a home and some food. You, my friend, can afford to give her some of your food. She's not even half of you in weight. Okay, so she is smaller, too. Still. What else do you have to complain about?"
"She's taking my spots."
"Oh, you mean like the spot on the stairs that you were not interested in anymore today after she left it?"
"Yesterday she hit me."
"You did intrude on her string game, and when she left, we kept playing. And hitting is a bit of a strong word, don't you think? She barely touched you."
"Hmpf."
"I love you the same as before, Ponder. She doesn't even take up lap or shoulder time because she's not a lap cat."
"Yeah, she may not be that bad. A bit bossy."
"Which is what I wanted for you, anyway. A bossy girl to poke you a little, so you won't get too comfortable in your ways."
"You like black cats, too."
"Yes, I do."
"She's still dangerous, you know? Just wait until it's time for you to get a bit uncomfortable."
"What are you talking about?"

So I had to show Mom photo proof on what's going on behind her back.


 "I'm afraid of no shark."


"What are you saying?"


Told Mom Gundel was dangerous - and a shark whisperer who sicced those two dudes on her. This is what she's getting for not listening to me.

P.S. I still don't understand how Greebo can be so utterly uninterested in Gundel??

Sunday, May 7, 2017

One bed for two

"We've got to talk."
"Oh no. What did I do wrong this time, Ponder?"
"Not you."
"Oh goodie."
"It's Greebo."
"You can't be serious. Greebo never does anything to anybody, well, except for pulling down stuff sometimes to get my attention."
"He's a squatter."
"Erm ... Ponder, what on Earth are you talking about?"
"It's the bed. The cat bed under the chair. The best bed there is in the whole world."
"The cardboard bed used to be the best bed. The hallway cabinet bed used to be the best bed. Heck, my bed used to be the best bed! Not even mentioning chairs, the top of the stairs or the armoire, the washing mach...."
"Yes, yes, yes. Now it's the bed under the chair."
"That neither Greebo nor you touched so much as with a toe for months and months. I was about to take it away."
"He keeps stealing it from me."
"As you keep stealing it from me if you get the chance."
"You don't want to understand me!"
"How about a second bed under a different chair?"

Humans. Impossible to live with, but unfortunately they have the opposable thumb.
I guess I'm going to go stalk Greebo for a while and make Mom feel guilty because I have nothing but the hard floor to sleep on.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

The cat sat on the mat

"Look, Ponder, what I got for Christmas from my friend."



"What's that?"
"It's a mat, but I can't use it. I would feel weird stepping on it."
"You are weird."
"Look at it. If I look at it just out of the corner of my eye, it looks real."
"It has a head twice as big as mine."
"You know what I mean."
"You never cared about stepping on your other mat, the little Santa kitten."
"Yes, but ..."
"You keep pushing the vacuum cleaner in its face."
"But ... oh, whatever. You know, I think I'm going to put this one in front of the Stairs to Nowhere."
"Now that's a good idea!"

Guess what Mom's friend got me for Christmas ..... yes, it's mine now, can you tell? Thank you, Mom's friend!



P.S. Of course it's for Greebo, too. It's just that he prefers alternating between bed and couch at the moment. Just saying before I'm being labeled as greedy and selfish here (thank you, Mom, for calling me that ... not!).


Saturday, September 3, 2016

42?

"What's the matter, Ponder?"
"I'm pondering life."
"You do know that your name isn't program? You were named after ..."
"I know, Ponder Stibbons, a Discworld wizard. Because all I am is a wizard who's a nerd that runs a computer with ants in it and wears glasses."
"Yeah, well. I loved the name. Greebo was already taken and ..."
"For a cat that is as laid back as they come while the real Greebo is the terror of small animals and everyone else beside Nanny Ogg."
"But ..."
"Don't disturb me."
"Any thoughts on life yet?"
"I like the odd sunbeam."
"That's it?"
"You interrupted my pondering."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, right."
"No, really, I ..."
"Go away."


Dismissed by a cat. I hope they'll put that on my headstone one day.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

My great-grandmother was a shoe saleswoman

It's true, she was. Mom thinks that's the reason why she always stares at other people's shoes. All I know is that for the descendant of a lady who prided herself on her work Mom doesn't know much about shoes. She's wearing the same kind of sneakers all the time and even said she'd wear them in green with pink dots if she could walk in them. And either one pair has to die before she gets a new one out of storage (no kidding you) or there has to be a special occasion.

So the other day she brought in this new pair and presented them to me. I know everything about everything, so of course she was seeking my advice.
First I had a good look.

 Hm.
 Not sure.
 Better do another check.


Ok, that was not TOO bad, so next I tried one on.


Whoa, it's like a small boat. You really must have some big feet, Mom.






How about you trying them on now? Wow, your foot really does fill this up, eh?















Wait, let me check the quality of the shoelaces before you tie them.


Now with claws.





My face of approval.
In fact I think I should keep these myself ..... especially the left one .....

Sunday, June 26, 2016

The Portal or Dream On, Human

There are days when I'm ready to give up on Mom. She's either extremely naive or stupid or she believes in purple unicorn fairies.
This week she came upstairs with a big parcel and unpacked something that looked like ... heck, I don't even know what that looked like.

"Come here, babe." (Lately she fancies calling us babe or baby bear. Don't ask.)
"Did you finally order my computer?"
"I got you something you will like. Well, I hope you'll like it since you like being combed and brushed."
"What ... is .... that?"
"It's a brush arch."
"You gotta be kidding me."
"I know it looks a little small, so let's try it out. You can brush yourself with this when I'm not home."
"I can barf on your pillow when you're not home."
"Is that supposed to be a threat?"
"Is this thing supposed to be a joke?"
"Come on. At least try it out once."
"Stay away from me with this thing!"
"Ok, look now."
"Don't you dare pick me up!!"
"Just walk through it once. Please?"
"Don't you dare putting my head through this thing!!!"
"We can pretend it's The Portal. The Portal through which you visit your furry friends all over the world. Just once. Come on."
"Leave your fingers off me! I said ... don't you ... stay away ... WHAT THE ....!!!!!!!!! Don't ....!!!!!! I officially hate you."
"Just get up and walk through and it will brush you."



"I'm stuck. I'll have to die here because I'm stuck. I can already feel my will to live disappear."
"You are not stuck. I can tell. Don't be such a cry baby. Why don't you give it a chance?"



"LET ME OUT!! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!"

"You are not going to die, Ponder! Stop being so silly! You can crawl into the smallest holes and be fine and here ..."


"Phew. Made it back out. Everything still there? Foot, are you still there?"
"Your foot wasn't even in there."


"What do you know? You are dead. I don't even want to look at you, you monster. And stop rolling your eyes. I know you are."
"And I know you are sniffing The Portal because I can see it."
"Stop calling it The Portal. You know nothing about The Portal. I would have to kill you if you did."



"Whoa. That was really close. I'm exhausted. I'll need lots of treats to bring me back to my feet again."


"We are not done yet. I still think you will like that once you get used to it."
" ..................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


P.S. She was being serious. Every, now and then she picks me or Greebo up and shoves us through this thing.
"Ponder, I don't shove you ..."
"Go away, human, and live in fear."

Friday, June 3, 2016

I got balls

You naughty minds you. I mean my knobbly balls.
Mom has been calling me The Nagger lately. She says I'm the most annoying creature on Earth and to stop that special sound that I developed in long, hard hours to make my nagging perfect. She also says that she'd do anything if she only knew what it is I want!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, with lots of exclamation marks.

It's just that often I'm not sure myself what I want. I'm getting bored or maybe I want her to cuddle me or I'm hungry or my litter box isn't immaculate or I want to play or I want her spot in the bed or I want her to stop binge watching DVDs. I want her wire, I want to lie on her shoulder, I want a head massage or a belly rub. I want some of her cheese and sometimes I just want to annoy her because it's my right as the supervising cat here to want things AND change my mind about them from one second to another ....

If all else fails, the balls come out. Mom just ordered two additional packs for me. She wants them all over the place, so she can always throw one no matter where she is.
We play in the hallway, she's on one end, I'm on the other, and she throws until she runs out of balls, then she has to run around and collect them quickly, so I can immediately lose interest in them once she has found them all because that's how cats roll! ;-)





P.S. Mom read that some people say these balls are dangerous because their cats chew them, but we don't do that. I love my balls, but never try to eat them, and - maybe you remember me telling you about that before - sometimes I'm even being nice and fetch!